Once More, with Feeling

Understanding the Cycle of Habit Change

One of my favorite things to hear a client say usually sounds something like:

“Oh no, not this s*** again…”

When a client says this to me, I love it. This is music to my ears. I get excited about it. I grin annoyingly when I hear it and usually reply:

“YES! This s*** again!”

Now, do clients love this reply? Probably not. (Their faces usually indicate that they aren’t thrilled.)

And it’s okay! Clients can be upset at me for a moment because usually they don’t know why I’m so excited yet. Or they do know and the joy hasn’t caught up to them yet.

I am genuinely excited in these moments because this type of recognition is a surefire sign that someone is on their way to learning, insight, and change–because their being presented another opportunity to work the change they’re seeking.

Let me explain…

Change doesn’t look how you think it does

When we’re trying to make a change in our lives—like a shift in a behavior or thought pattern we have that isn’t working for us—there’s a big misconception out there that once we learn a lesson or decide we want the change, we’re done. We can close the book and move on to the next pertinent lesson in our lives.

And this couldn’t be further from the truth.

A lot of people will approach the idea of change like some path you’re walking. Sometimes it’s steep and challenging, sometimes it’s a smooth stroll, and regardless of how it feels, you’re making forward progress. Which is great until we’ve worked for a while to create the change and feel like we’re finally “over it.”

Meaning, we’ve done a lot of work and the behaviors or thoughts have shifted for the most part and we’ve patted ourselves on the back and moved on.

Then inevitably, the original “thing” shows back up.

And this is usually horribly demotivating for people! Quite understandably, too.

If we view change as a straight line, then the only explanation for the problem to show back up again is that we didn’t really make the progress we thought we did and it’s back to square one.

I have a different take on this for you. What if, instead of a straight line, we viewed learning and change as a circle? Specifically, I like to visualize change like a satellite orbiting a planet…

In this scene: YOU are the planet and the satellite orbiting you is the behavior you want to change. It’s pulled into the orbit around our planet through the force of our gravity. The pull of gravity in this case is the force of our habit.

If you do nothing at all, that satellite is going to just keep on orbiting your planet day-in and day-out. Just like the moon keeps on orbiting the Earth. 

Now what if we decide that behavior isn’t serving us anymore?

How do we break that orbit?

If we think about satellites, how often do they suddenly shoot off into space away from their original planet?

Pretty vanishingly rarely, unless there’s some kind of major, traumatic event that knocks it completely off its path. In most cases for our behaviors/habits, we can’t just suddenly stop them either.

What we have to do instead is when we notice the behavior we want to change playing out, we have to choose to engage with it. We want to act on that behavior–consciously shifting it to the behaviors we want instead–and nudging that proverbial satellite into a wider orbit.

We need to actively engage with shifting that behavior not just once, but every time it comes back around.

The goal is to widen that orbit more and more and more, and over time, the pull of that habit’s gravity weakens. The pull remains there, yes, and you are less unconsciously compelled by it every time you consciously engage with it.

So you might be wondering, “Okay that sounds fine, but when am I finally done with the behavior for good?”

Another time around the sun

From my experience, the habit never really goes away for good. You’re never really done. There’s always some degree of pull there.

And just like a satellite orbiting a planet, you know it’s going to come back around again. Like clockwork, it shows back up at some point. How frequently it shows up really depends on the distance of its orbit.

Some people get pretty demotivated when the habit they’ve worked really hard to change shows up again. Once we notice this cycle happening, it’s really important that we get into alignment with it. We have to make friends with the challenge, because whether we like it or not, it will be back.

I’ll share from my own life here: I am FULL of judgments.

(Certainly less today than when I started my journey on this, and they’re still there. I’ve got judgments to spare! If you need a few to borrow, just ask. I’ve got you covered.)

I used to think that my judgments were all in service of the bigger good that I was aiming for out there in the world. These judgments were candy-coated in good intentions.

When it comes to working in the corporate world, I feel very passionately about good leadership and the impacts that bad leadership can have on people’s lives in and outside of work. I was worried about people! So when I would judge leaders out there in the world as causing harm, I felt perfectly self-justified in mentally casting scorn their way.

And this worked for me for a lot of years. I was a warrior for good leadership, as I saw it.

Sure, maybe I upset some folks along the way, but wasn’t the bigger good worth it?

Then I had my eyes opened.

Some great coaches in my world pointed out that maybe, just maybe, this habit of judging and pushing and fighting wasn’t actually the tool for good I thought it was.

Maybe I was just swallowing poison and hoping my enemies died. Or perhaps I was ultimately creating more pain and hurt along the way. And for that matter, who was I to be the arbiter of what’s right and wrong out there in the world?

(My initial reply: “Well… s***.”)

There’s where my cycle of change began:

The first step is awareness.

We have to first become aware of the habit that we want to change. Sometimes we’ll see this for ourselves or we will FEEL intuitively that something isn’t working. And sometimes, as in my case, someone will point it out TO you. Either way, becoming aware lets us choose the next step.

The second step is consistent, gentle action wherever the habit shows up.

With my eyes freshly opened and a newfound desire to work these judgments out of myself, I set off tracking them down wherever they were showing up.

No surprise here: There were a lot more judgments than I thought.

One by one I’d start to examine them, slow myself down, explore, and (hopefully) release them and find some compassion and understanding instead.

After a few months of this work, I was feeling pretty good. I felt like I had really ARRIVED, in a way. Surely I had achieved enlightenment.

One day I was talking to a coach about my newfound “enlightenment” and telling the story of some of the judgments I had released. I was so proud, and as I kept talking about the folks I had been judging, I was right BACK to judging them, now for something completely different.

“Oh no, not this again…”

There went my enlightenment. I literally hung my head in shame (and a bit of exhaustion with myself). So I HADN’T cured myself. Far from it. I was back to working it all over…

Here’s where my next cycle began.

The third step is acknowledging the new cycle and beginning again.

Once I dusted myself off (only after enjoying a few moments of my pity-party), I could start to see clearly that this situation WASN’T exactly the same. Everything I had done before was still there AND was giving me access to an entirely new facet of judgments to work.

Each cycle gives me new ways to loosen the grip of the habit of judgment. Each cycle comes with new scenarios, new players, and new opportunities. 

Every time judgment shows back up, I have an opportunity to slow down and see the new angle AND honor all of the work that came before to make it possible.

Once more, with feeling

There’s something really healing when we apply this understanding to changing our habits.

It’s no longer a failure of effort or willpower or character when a pattern we’re working to shift shows up again. It’s the natural cycle of things! It must show back up because there’s more available in it for us. If we know in advance that a pattern will show back up again, then there’s no surprise or anguish when it does.

Just like our birthday shows up once a year and we welcome it with celebration (and cake!), we can do the same thing with the changes we’re cultivating. 

So for you, what cycle will be coming back around for you? Let’s preheat the oven now so the cake is ready for the celebration.

When you think about the orbits of the habits in your life, which ones are closer now than you’d like them to be? Take a moment to notice and name it.

Congratulations! You just took the first step toward change.